A Long Time

I haven't been here since...Feburary, yes it has been a long time since I posted something. School along with many other things seems to take much of my time, but now that school is over I have more time for writing and other things. I would still like to get a job for the summer and perhaps a fleeting summer romance to conquer the boredom lol. Anyway I wrote something to refresh this blog a bit, enjoy. 

I close my eyes and all I see are vestiges of emotions.

Swirling colours that entwine and twist endlessly.

Standing still i hear my beating heart,

every thump echoes in my ears,

every pulse felt throughout my entire existence.

My breath labored, my soul torn,

my thoughts only linger on one aspect.

Conflicted of choice, either fire or ice.

The burning passion of the sun, the crucible of creation.

The cold frosted oblivion, the rigid edge of destruction.

Longing for one yet walking towards another,

yearning for the beginning and the end.

All I can do is close my eyes and hope.

Entry #6 - Fate Is Inexorable, How I Hate It

I made a decision a while ago, for my future and my dream I would throw away my heart. Yet fate keeps on tempting me and when I give in to that temptation even slightly I get crushed. I feel as though fate is mocking me and it is hard. I refuse to give in to this, I will NOT be distracted from this anymore, for the sake of my dream I must harden my resolve, I will not be tempted again.

"This is madness every time I reach a new plateau, someone appears to challenge my authority. It's as if fate is mocking me with a big stupid grin. Just like Kakarot" - Vegeta

Entry # 5 - Very, Very Interesting

I think my emotions might be the key (or at least one of the keys) to get my brain out of "writing lock". A few minutes ago I wrote something on Allpoetry. It was in a free write section where members of that site can post a topic and anyone can write about it. So I chose the topic that appeared first, which was on heartbreak. It was timed to I had to pick up the pace a bit. My god it was like the flood gates opened, the amount of imagery and raw emotion I put into that poem. I actually surprised myself, it was interesting. I think I need something to force me to write, like a prompt or something. I haven't written something like that for a long time, I think tonight I regained some of the spark I lost. I know for sure that I am very far from what I once was, but after writing that I think I might have taken another step.

This is what I wrote:

                              "Like a thousand needless driven through my heart, you left me. My soul swallowed by the void, shattering in the abyss. I cry for the loss, for the fire that went out. I scream at the betrayal of your eyes and the venom of your smile. No longer am I in your light, no longer will I be restricted by you. Yet my heart still yearns for the warmth that once was, the light that was my soul. All I can ask is why? Why rip out the beating in my chest and devoured whole by the darkness?" - Melody Of Oblivion


P.S - I think just BECAUSE the topic was about heartbreak is the reason I wrote so well, but at least it's something.

Entry #4b - Quotation

There has been a thought that keeps creeping into my head, a quotation of sorts,

"Do You Honestly Think I'm This Weak??"

It keeps repeating in my head and I going to stick to it

Entry #4 - The Never Ending Cycle

For the past few days, I've actually been able to keep up with a third of my schedule. And when I say a third I mean I've been able to write a poem a day. I haven't had a lot of exercise and I haven't even begun to write my short stories.

In truth I'm still distracted. It is very easy for people to say, "Don't think about unnecessary thoughts" and yet it creeps into my mind out of no where and it lingers, eventually turning into conscious thought.

Pretending to be without emotion and actually having no emotions are two different things. In the fantasy series Vampire Diaries, vampires have the ability to turn off their emotions like a switch so they don't have to feel. I wish I had the switch, so I can turn it off for a while, because it's bothersome.

I'm not strong emotionally and I don't pretend to be. I'd rather live my life being honest with my emotions than suppress them and devour me from the inside.

It is hard, even when I am 100% focused (maybe not 100 but near it) distraction always occurs, I wish it would stop. Meditation maybe?

I've also noticed while writing my poems, they all seem to be the same. I've tried to write differently on different subjects, but it all comes back to the same thing. Love, lost, angst, dark, personal, etc. However while reading it, even if its love, there is a dark nature to it. It is not as blissful as the ones I used to write, but with a bit more realism. 

Entry #3 - Journal Thoughts

They say that healing of the mind and the heart takes time, even after the wounds have healed, scars remain. How very true. I'm on the process of recovery and on a new step towards finding myself. I wish I knew how to rid myself of this mental block, nothing flows from my head anymore.

I wonder if it's something like therapy, a slow process, something I have to work on, but never fully recover.

I'm wondering if I'm just damaged or completely broken. I've read stories where main protagonists spent countless millenia trying to find or re-find themselves. Will my soul take such a journey, I certainly hope not.

One thing I do know for sure, it's going to take a long time. Everyone has their pace, some faster than others, even if mine is slow. I hope to get back what I once lost, the light that once lit my heart a blaze.

Entry #2 - Thoughts

After writing a few pieces of poetry at the top of my head, I realized just how far I've strayed from my path. Very far, I definitely lost the spark I once had. The few pieces I've written in the last few days are not like the ones I wrote years ago. It lacks emotions, it lacks flow, it lacks reality. Yes, we are our own worst critics, but in my case I think I am right.

Looking back at the pieces I wrote years ago, I've lost my touch for writing passionate and descriptive poetry. I went from descriptive poetry to slightly obsecure poetry, which was still fine. Now I'm stuck in between, trying to convey a message in what I write and yet be mysterious. My ability for such a feat has now dulled, like a rusted samurai sword after years of collecting dust, maybe worse.

I used to be able to sit in front of my computer screen, listen to some classical music and the words would come to me instantly. Now, it takes infinitely longer to manifest and the words that appear are not great either.

In my head(and especially in my  heart) I can definitely feel a block, it's all there but it won't come out. Perhaps all that has happened in the last few years have blocked me from my emotions. I've become numb to the hate (so to speak).

I definitely lost something precious during my fruitless pursuit of love, I wonder if I'll ever get it back.

I certainly hope so.


P.S - For those who have started out in poetry, don't ever stray from your path. You might think you'll be finding light, but in the end, you'll see nothing but shadows.

Entry #1

I'll be posting all my poems on a site called Allpoetry.com and here is the link to my page.

http://allpoetry.com/melodyofoblivion

I think my stories I will post here, so expect and update here every 2-3 days. Depending on how busy I am

Unwavering Determination

It has definitely been a while, but for some reason I feel a determination to succeed I haven't felt in a while. I think it came from the inspiration from a drama called My Lucky Star. It is a really great show, yes it's true that dramas tend to be very unrealistic, but it gave me hope. And with the support of a few others, I don't think I can fail.

I know it will be hard with many bumps on the way, but with the way I'm feeling right now, it feels like I can't lose. Now that I have no longer any distractions from a torn heart (because I threw it away), I can focus better.

However I hope I won't be able to do this alone, I have yet to find people with the same pursuits as me. Maybe one or two currently, but I hope to find more.

I may be foolish and naive, but I want to believe I can just like The Little Train That Could.

New Beginnings - The Training Regime

I have a lot to do in the next three months, because I am a budding author and a college student. I don't have a whole lot of time for anything else.

I decided I need to train, on my mind and my body.

I have the perfect training regime to get my mind back into writing shape. For too long I've been sitting and doing nothing but school work, I've avoided writing because of the fear nothing will come to me when I look at the blank page. However, if I take this seriously I'm sure I can do it.

But in order for me to get back into my writing form, I must go back to my roots, before certain events in my life started to change me: Poetry.

This is where it all began, four years ago when I wrote my first master piece; Frozen Flower. I definitely think if i go back to poetry, I can find the spark I once lost. I may have sacrificed my heart, but perhaps believing is not a bad idea, at least it can give me hope and that is all I have at the moment.

The idea is this, write one poem each day and post it, no matter what it is or how bad it is. I'll post one here and a site I've gone back to called AllPoetry.com. Some great stuff there.

Another part of my training program is story writing, there is a site called the Seventh Sanctum and in it has a story idea generator. What I will do each week is write two stories, the plot and theme will be given to my by the generator.

This week these are the two I will be writing:
1. A character becomes kind during the story. During the story, a character eats something that disagrees with them.
2. The story must have a gerbil at the end. A character becomes attracted to someone during the story.

The generator can set with up to 5 different elements of complexity to it, and I decided to start with two elements. Keep it simple, no use trying to stress myself to come up with something good.

Finally, training my body. I need confidence and to expand my self esteem, so why not start with my body. Work out, eat right and by summer have a killer body.

Despite the work load from school I hope to be able to achieve all these goals I've set out to do, it's time to eliminate all distractions and focus on the task at hand, I have given up on the pursuit of a certain kind of happiness but hopefully in turn it wont be in vain. I also hope I won't be tempted again either.

I've also decided to put my novels on hiatus at the moment, I can't defile my stories with a weakened mind and heart. Until I can reach the plateau I was standing on a few years ago, I will not go back to them yet. 

This all begins monday.

The Sacrifice

I am writing this for one reason, a written statement of my decision and hopefully it is a correct one.
Like many great figures in our long and rather blood history. Kings and queens of entire nations, where a single decision makes or breaks a nation. The weight of many humans lives on their shoulders, I'd like to believe that mine is much heavier, for what I'm about to do. It takes will do decide on something but it takes courage to act on it. 

After reading a blog written by a very good friend of mine, I realized just how far I've come in this existence of twenty one years...which is not very far. I have not accomplished all that I set out to achieve, and in my fleeting pursuit of self discovery, I found that there are aspects of me that are preventing this. Like all humans, it takes a lot to admit your fears, takes even more to face them.

The fear of failure, the fear of rejection, the fear of unrequited love, the fear of being alone. 

I think there is a saying that in order to gain something, you must first sacrifice something else. An easy exmaple would be a student striving to achieve an 'A' on a test, what he sacrifices is his time and energy.
For me to succeed I must also do the same, but my sacrifice is much more than time and energy.

Watching my parents while growing up I decided I didn't want to be like them and I wanted to be different. I fought hard against what I thought might have been my destiny. Yet for the past few years, no matter how hard I tried to fight against fate, fate pushed back harder, so I decided to give up instead. There is no use trying to alter that part of my life when it is useless. I don't see the point of torturing myself for something that's hopeless and fruitless. My time and energy could be better spent else where.

I will not, however give up on my dreams. Ambition is what drives us to succeed, the greater the ambition, the greater the sacrifice. My greatest dream is to become an author, I may not be the best at writing but, I will succeed. Our limitation is our beliefs, if we believe we'll fail then we will.

A good example of this is the one my business teacher gave us today. A Math teacher at high school was told that she will be teaching three classes, one class with over achievers and high grades, one with average grades, and one with low grades. At the end of the year the out come of each class remains the same and she was fired, because what she was told was a lie. All those three classes, were a mixture of students and all of them average, because she believed each class was different, she taught differently and mark differently and the results speak for themselves. Our beliefs are a powerful weapon as well as a weakness.

One belief of mine has proved to be a weakness, one I will now do without. And with this sacrifice, I hope to obtain my dreams and walk on a path of light that was once covered in shadow.

What I sacrifice is the beating in my chest.