Entry #6 - Fate Is Inexorable, How I Hate It

I made a decision a while ago, for my future and my dream I would throw away my heart. Yet fate keeps on tempting me and when I give in to that temptation even slightly I get crushed. I feel as though fate is mocking me and it is hard. I refuse to give in to this, I will NOT be distracted from this anymore, for the sake of my dream I must harden my resolve, I will not be tempted again.

"This is madness every time I reach a new plateau, someone appears to challenge my authority. It's as if fate is mocking me with a big stupid grin. Just like Kakarot" - Vegeta

Entry # 5 - Very, Very Interesting

I think my emotions might be the key (or at least one of the keys) to get my brain out of "writing lock". A few minutes ago I wrote something on Allpoetry. It was in a free write section where members of that site can post a topic and anyone can write about it. So I chose the topic that appeared first, which was on heartbreak. It was timed to I had to pick up the pace a bit. My god it was like the flood gates opened, the amount of imagery and raw emotion I put into that poem. I actually surprised myself, it was interesting. I think I need something to force me to write, like a prompt or something. I haven't written something like that for a long time, I think tonight I regained some of the spark I lost. I know for sure that I am very far from what I once was, but after writing that I think I might have taken another step.

This is what I wrote:

                              "Like a thousand needless driven through my heart, you left me. My soul swallowed by the void, shattering in the abyss. I cry for the loss, for the fire that went out. I scream at the betrayal of your eyes and the venom of your smile. No longer am I in your light, no longer will I be restricted by you. Yet my heart still yearns for the warmth that once was, the light that was my soul. All I can ask is why? Why rip out the beating in my chest and devoured whole by the darkness?" - Melody Of Oblivion


P.S - I think just BECAUSE the topic was about heartbreak is the reason I wrote so well, but at least it's something.

Entry #4b - Quotation

There has been a thought that keeps creeping into my head, a quotation of sorts,

"Do You Honestly Think I'm This Weak??"

It keeps repeating in my head and I going to stick to it

Entry #4 - The Never Ending Cycle

For the past few days, I've actually been able to keep up with a third of my schedule. And when I say a third I mean I've been able to write a poem a day. I haven't had a lot of exercise and I haven't even begun to write my short stories.

In truth I'm still distracted. It is very easy for people to say, "Don't think about unnecessary thoughts" and yet it creeps into my mind out of no where and it lingers, eventually turning into conscious thought.

Pretending to be without emotion and actually having no emotions are two different things. In the fantasy series Vampire Diaries, vampires have the ability to turn off their emotions like a switch so they don't have to feel. I wish I had the switch, so I can turn it off for a while, because it's bothersome.

I'm not strong emotionally and I don't pretend to be. I'd rather live my life being honest with my emotions than suppress them and devour me from the inside.

It is hard, even when I am 100% focused (maybe not 100 but near it) distraction always occurs, I wish it would stop. Meditation maybe?

I've also noticed while writing my poems, they all seem to be the same. I've tried to write differently on different subjects, but it all comes back to the same thing. Love, lost, angst, dark, personal, etc. However while reading it, even if its love, there is a dark nature to it. It is not as blissful as the ones I used to write, but with a bit more realism. 

Entry #3 - Journal Thoughts

They say that healing of the mind and the heart takes time, even after the wounds have healed, scars remain. How very true. I'm on the process of recovery and on a new step towards finding myself. I wish I knew how to rid myself of this mental block, nothing flows from my head anymore.

I wonder if it's something like therapy, a slow process, something I have to work on, but never fully recover.

I'm wondering if I'm just damaged or completely broken. I've read stories where main protagonists spent countless millenia trying to find or re-find themselves. Will my soul take such a journey, I certainly hope not.

One thing I do know for sure, it's going to take a long time. Everyone has their pace, some faster than others, even if mine is slow. I hope to get back what I once lost, the light that once lit my heart a blaze.

Entry #2 - Thoughts

After writing a few pieces of poetry at the top of my head, I realized just how far I've strayed from my path. Very far, I definitely lost the spark I once had. The few pieces I've written in the last few days are not like the ones I wrote years ago. It lacks emotions, it lacks flow, it lacks reality. Yes, we are our own worst critics, but in my case I think I am right.

Looking back at the pieces I wrote years ago, I've lost my touch for writing passionate and descriptive poetry. I went from descriptive poetry to slightly obsecure poetry, which was still fine. Now I'm stuck in between, trying to convey a message in what I write and yet be mysterious. My ability for such a feat has now dulled, like a rusted samurai sword after years of collecting dust, maybe worse.

I used to be able to sit in front of my computer screen, listen to some classical music and the words would come to me instantly. Now, it takes infinitely longer to manifest and the words that appear are not great either.

In my head(and especially in my  heart) I can definitely feel a block, it's all there but it won't come out. Perhaps all that has happened in the last few years have blocked me from my emotions. I've become numb to the hate (so to speak).

I definitely lost something precious during my fruitless pursuit of love, I wonder if I'll ever get it back.

I certainly hope so.


P.S - For those who have started out in poetry, don't ever stray from your path. You might think you'll be finding light, but in the end, you'll see nothing but shadows.